they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You have to summon your inner elephant
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
