the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize