do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
