he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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