shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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