I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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