I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
