I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
