Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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