This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
