You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
