Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Randomize
