Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
