I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
