I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
