oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize