I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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