you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
