My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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