Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
