i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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