So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
worst night to have a conscience
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
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