Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
