I just pynch a tree in the face
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
