I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
