I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
be right there i have to get my cape
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
