I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
