Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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