Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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