I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
