I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
