mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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