Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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