You were right. It hurts to walk today.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
