there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
