i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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