Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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