How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
