i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
