I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
