You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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