the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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