I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
