I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
