The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm like, not good at living.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
