she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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