My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
