If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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