I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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