On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
