Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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