next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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