She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
