I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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