i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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