A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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