She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
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